This has been such a weird season, and I’m determined not to lay blame on, “2020.” I’ve remained relatively sure that the quarantine, turbulent media, and fragile climate we’re living in is NOT the reason for my unrest. Meaning, my own confidence is positive that my mental health is not affected by any type of outer element; I’m strong enough to withstand those types of forces. Right? Rather any restlessness must derive from my own perception of the environment I created.

Over the past five years, I’ve battled with anxiety and depression per medical professionals, and especially in the later autumn months the anxiety and unwelcome feelings seem to strike back with more animosity than in the warmer months. From trial and error, I’ve found solace in my sertraline and recognizing the early signs so that I don’t have to face the lower lows anymore. But, over the past few weeks, I’m anxious and concerned now about every topic and acutely aware of any shortcoming. It’s not so prevalent that I hit the old lows of tears, but just a consistent weight that I feel.

This past week my Mom fell off her horse. I was riding behind her, and when she fell off she didn’t move with her face on the ground. I jumped off my horse, ran to her, and in the 3 seconds it took to jump off and reach her, I was thinking she might not look back up at me again. I’ll never forget it, and while we transported her to the emergency room and I held her hand, we talked to her to keep her awake and responding. I wasn’t sure if she was repeating questions because she was scared or her memory wasn’t remembering the questions she’d asked only minutes before. Mom is now ok with a concussion, and we’re all being overprotective, but I didn’t know if in those minutes the Mom I knew was going to be ok, and be there again.

In comparison to all the other things that I’m concerned on, and I use “concerned on,” because anxiety and anxiousness is used so often, I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is the same. It’s just the constant reeling of events or topics in a “concerned” or “heavy” way. Is that anxiety? But, in comparison to other things, maybe those few hours are impactful enough that I owe my unease a short break.

The most irksome is in almost every avenue that I set on, I seems to carry a heavy and spiraling conscious that brings along the nuance of hours of reflection even after I’m removed from the event I just left. I can’t shake the reflecting and analyzing, and instead I play the scenes repeatedly. But rather than replaying the scenes with positive or hopeful aspirations, my focus becomes improving my imperfect attempts.

I just don’t want to be swayed by any of these small or large events anymore, I want to be stronger than that. The constant feeling of concern and analyzing everything around me from my friendship and relationships, to my ability as a rider, to my finances is so draining.

I miss just resting in some peace and enjoying the process. Maybe I need some mix up or shake in my current routine, a cup of coffee, or a night’s sleep. I’ve got an exciting week ahead with a large championship that will close the competition season. I want to be present for that, enjoying the time with my family and friends and chart my horse through one of the toughest courses we’ll have seen.