Within this time of planning my move (currently in progress), my work schedule became a bit more busy, I ended a healthy but plateau’ed relationship, and slowly the shackles of depression and anxiety crept back into my day-to-day schedule. It seems to do that when my plate gets shifted.
I’ve also always been fairly emotional. Commercials use to make me cry fairly regularly, and my quick temper while short-lived is firey hot (Thanks Dad.) So, for most of my life have considered the other stuff just a normal way to go.
And for me, its peculiar and a bit embarrassing. (Which is why I write about it. If it embarrasses me, of course I should publicize it.) I don’t completely understand why I feel this way. Sometimes, I worry if these feelings are just a product of a weak character. Essentially as the day progresses, what starts with just re-processing short conversations or memories turns into a really anxious guilt-trip that I place on myself for maybe a job, financial, or relationship failure. The events change. Within one session I can swing from being upset a peer gave me solid advice that I take as admission that I failed her in some way to my own interactions with family members. This strings through the day and into the night. It’s suddenly 2AM. Insert nightmares, not of the True Crime podcast I listened to, but of family members and people I care for abandoning me or locking me out of the house. Choose your scenario. Insert a few cry sessions.
The alarm sounds. I drive to work in the morning. Snap back to reality. But, I’m completely embarrassed at the prior twelve hours that haunted me. It’s like the strike of 9AM and I click back into, “Ok Claire, crying about some guy you went on one date with like eight years ago is a bit ridiculous.” “Why would I feel this way?” “I have a very plush and blessed life, surrounded by friends and family who love me. If I have all these things, what kind of selfish person would feel this way?” The self-deprecating thoughts I had in the evenings, eventually take, or took over my day. Because when I’m not anxious about some event or what someone told me during the day, I just feel guilty and embarrassed for allowing myself to think those things.
Getting back on Zoloft again, for me, it really alleviates the weight that I feel on a day-to-day basis. But, at the same time I do wonder if I’m led to call my doctor again because of fear. I’m a little embarrassed that I feel these things, and while I know this helps tremendously what if it is a crutch, and I should be fighting on my own. I don’t deny that I worry that by not having outside help, the relationships around me will be affected in a way that I can’t fix. Especially as a Christian, I have struggled to grasp why I have had such a hard time with depression and anxiety. You know, and I have had to really discuss this with the Lord because my faith in his promises are there.
This time, I’ve felt the emotions before. I’ve been here before. I knew that I needed to get some professional help. Honestly, to be frank, (thankfully, I know this is such an odd and uncomfortable topic, but it is one of the first questions the professionals ask you.) I’ve never considered harming myself, which is something a lot of people do . But for me, I finally made the call when the anxiety led for multiple days of not wanting to wake up. As I’m writing it, it makes me shivver, because “Geez Claire!?” I am so overwhelmingly blessed with the most gorgeous horses in the very best barn, I’m good at my day-job, I could probably convince a boy to like me if I really wanted. Life is pretty swell.
But, yeah, up until about a week ago, I’d stare at the ceiling not convinced I deserved to wake up.
It’s not something I really like talking to friends and family about. In the moment, all of the feelings feel so real.
It’s something I don’t understand completely. I am appreciative that I have this to help me. I would much rather not take anything. It’s not wonderful to be on. I have to remind myself to eat meals and get extra nauseous. You get use to it, and those symptoms have gone away in the past.
I’m still concerned about moving, and I’m a bit nervous that now that my horse is back in work my budget will be a bit harder to keep. My job has slowed down, but I still have a lot of responsibilities. Those are tough, but it means I have job security. These things, they deserve my attention, but are not so overwhelmingly difficult to maneuver. I’m not having nightmares and crying over it. That’s so freeing. It really took, saying to myself that this wasn’t something that was going to be fixed by character-development or retreating in my own corner. Ya just got to get some help sometimes. Again.