So, one aspect of my blog that’s been both frustrating but self-motivating is the confession of my struggle with mental-health. I am so frustrated with it, because over the past few years, I’ve really begun to distrust my own inhibitions.
I first recognized, or was pointed down my mental health journey in 2015. When under-stress and some heartbreak, I couldn’t seem to overcome a more-than down-in-the-dumps feeling that haunted me daily. I wrote about it, got on a mild-anti-depressant, and poof! In a few weeks things turned around, and I went along gracefully.
Fast-forward, periodically the same emotions and illness would creep back into my life. I’d wait a few weeks, finally call my physician, and become re-prescribed to Zoloft. I know I should just stay on it. But after two-months I start to forget to take it. I get busy and don’t reschedule a visit to have it re-filled, and I feel fine. Until, I don’t.
And what sucks, is in my head, all my emotions and reactions feel so real. And knowing I’ve had this past with my mental health, I don’t know if I’m validated in being upset or it’s just another bought of anxiety and depression that I don’t have a lot of control over. The former part, wants to believe I do have control over this. I can just have a better state-of-mind, but if the feelings are real, then my emotions which insinuate I’m a mess and less than perfect, are true.
I know after I’m a few days back on the pills which stay hidden in my cupboard, that I’m fortunate and in the grand scheme have very minuscule stresses. Right now, though, I’m only on Day 3. I’m nauseas, my skin feels chilly, and I want to go to bed at 12:20 in the afternoon. But, it’s also better than four days ago when I was bawling that a prior boyfriend from half a decade ago proposed to his long-term girlfriend AND my brother didn’t like his Christmas gift. These two instance, however humorous now, spiraled into severe thoughts of really, really, real emotions of self-doubt in my career, current relationships, and life-goals!!
Day three back and outside the nausea and creepy skin crawl feeling that will go away in about another three days, I can release the tension, clean up my apartment, and go run the errands that need to be done.