Psalm 27:14 – “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”

.A spiritual journey as you can call it that I’ve never chosen to partake in, are the seasons of waiting. I’ve given the Lord a strong, “Nope,” when the option has come along.  Oh, and he’s let me. He’s certainly allowed me to brave His name as a warrior. I know the verse that says that the Lord, “intervenes for those who wait on Him.” I’ve always in some ways resented this as a cop-out that Christians make in scenarios in which their own fear or lack of faith  tugs to this excuse not to take action.

I’m a do-er. I keep my schedule filled to the brim all the time. I allow my own schedule to inter lap in twenty minute increments to fit more things in the day, because who cares if you are twenty minutes late.  And, if I’m not moving all the time, I die. Or, I text my ex-boyfriends. Same thing. I like to feel the breeze of movement whether forwards or backwards because it’s always indicated to me that I was going somewhere. I love the idea of being a warrior for Christ. Send me to the front lines with a sling-shot and a few rocks!

But, I have realized that while I’ve been on crusades for the Lord, I may currently be in a Season of Waiting. And Seasons of Waiting require patience and mildness, not the sword slinging and rap-battle cry that I appreciate.  I don’t like it. I don’t like waiting. I don’t like metaphorically sitting, when some kind of action could be taking place, by me. My best mate, my best girl isn’t with me this Spring 2019 show season. And as another event arrives this weekend, and I have no events scheduled to jump red numbers or add an additional FEI * to my belt, I’m discouraged.

I have always really enjoyed the process of bringing along horses, taking them to their first competitions, and then proceeding up the levels. This process is so fulfilling, and as I was bringing my girl up the levels enjoyed almost every learning curve. Because I knew each learning curve and advancement was part of a larger picture that could end in us meeting my long-time competition goals. I’ve always loved the horses. I adore the two young horses in my care. In this time that I’m not competing, I’m paying off some bills and saving for some critical fixed assets. But, deep, deep, in my heart I want to be out jumping the big things. I want to be competing at the very top-level, and doing it well.

Whereas before, even when Frye baby was a little dragon, I could conjecture what the future years could hold. That was enough. With those big dreams ahead, I almost relaxed into the process and enjoyed just spending time with my girl because in the back of my noggin, I knew the time was coming when I could check off those goals. We did cross a few of them off. We went and jumped by first CCI1*; I completed two intermediates. I felt that my accuracy and strength as a rider was at a peak.  I’m certainly, certainly still a child at that level but I touched down, and we gained that experience I really wanted.

Now in a phase where I don’t have my best girl to take on a gallop or school the technical questions with my peers, I’m discouraged. I’m not discouraged in any way that’s angry at the hand I’ve been given. Certainly, I’m most grateful for the previous year and all of those before that. But, I don’t see how the next few years will play out. I’m fearful to lose my accuracy, fitness as a rider, and worry the experience I gained will fall away as time passes. I know to stay at a peak as a rider you need correct-practice jumping the big jumps and being in the show-ring at that level.

And in that not-knowing when or how that is going to happen again. I want to ACT now to at least kick start something to happen! I want to spend every penny I own to buy a horse! I want to send my girl to every vet in the country for an amazing come-back! I spend all day in my office coming up with these plans to save up to buy an off-track horse with the pennies I have or the right words I could say to the wealthier contacts I know to invest in my dream. I’ve even conjectured adding a consignment horse to keep my riding skills at a higher-level sharpened while I wait.

But the Lord isn’t sending me anywhere right now. And I know.. I know so deeply that His hand has always been in my dream. Whether it was sending the wealthy contact to send me across the country to ride with one of our country’s best riders, to getting two ‘free’ horses  that I competed through the levels.  From the rudimentary beginnings of my dreams as a rider when I didn’t know the difference between a 1* and a 2**, to the social media presence and network that I’m part of now.  These were never things my own skills or actions spurred to happen. They came from the Lord delivering in his time.

I was spurred on this week, I think after a really good jump lesson with one of my ponies, to really embrace and become a good steward of what I have now. I don’t think the Lord gives us more than we can handle. And right now I have two very talented young stallions, I have brands standing behind me that I can provide a return to, I have a gym walking distance from my apartment, an apartment to keep clean, a blog I can write in. All of these things I can use and invest in during this period of time. (So, I went running today. My calves are dying.) I’m going to do my laundry tomorrow. I’m going to invest my time at the barn with my two incredible boys who are young, but have so much potential. Right now, I’m meant to be the best steward of the hand I’ve been given, which is much. I’m not eager to continue my ‘Season of Waiting,’ but I am both hopeful and a little encouraged that seasons change and that still:

Isaiah 30:18 – “Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!”