I haven’t put words on this side of the blog in some time. I didn’t feel like I had a lot to write about. Then, and I guess now, I do.
Am I the only person that feels inadequate?
I am very, very insecure about what I do. I don’t want anyone to know how much time, effort, and money I spend on my sport, and I’m so insecure with how it affects my social life. On every first date, not that I go on a ton, I adamantly state, “I try to keep the horse-life and my social life very separate.” That way they know, or at least can be tricked, into thinking time spent with me will not be infiltrated by horse smells or the weird lifestyle I partake. I want to be perceived as any other normal girl in her street sneakers and silk trench coat. To be honest, I’m very embarrassed that I pull up in my large 2500 Dodge Ram pickup to work, that everyone of my high-heel pumps have scuffs because they were worn in the transit to change from work clothes at the barn, and that I wear the same set of work clothes from the Loft I bought in 2015 because I buy riding breeches before pencil skirts.
But, I love it. I don’t want to change. I love my truck. I know it means I can pull my horse across the country. I love going to the barn every day. And honestly, making sure my horse is properly cooled out will always take a priority over making it back for happy-hour. How can I love my hobby, the type of rider I’ve become, and all that goes with this, but also be so insecure and embarrassed by it?
Maybe that’s one of the benefits of staying a professional in the industry. You’re acquaintances are just other, “horse-girls & guys.” But, I still love living in the city. I’m obsessed with my cubicle with my matching note pad and sticky note set. I take my uber to the Irish pub my friends meet at. I like to wear my one pair of pricey leggings to the park and Instagram my over-priced coffee. I love pretending to be a ‘city girl.’
So at the end of the day. I’m not fixed yet. I’m still really insecure about it all. Maybe, just a little let down? No. You know that movie that just came out? I haven’t seen it. But, the girl who believes she’s over-weight and unattractive hits her head and suddenly thinks she’s a model? Just taking context clues, I think she eventually learns that it’s all a mind-set and attitude. Nothing really changed physically or intellectually.
That’s where I’m at or working on. Though, I don’t want to fall on a treadmill and hit my head to make it happen. I think, just to reach some conclusion. It’s not my horse-habit that gives me the insecurity. At seventeen it was the acne covering my face. In college I was so embarrassed that I wasn’t an extrovert in public settings. It’s just this thing that is so deep inside me, that I view myself as the outside-girl. It’s comforting to put it in front of me in a post, because even in writing I know it’s not true. There are loads of horse-girls with boyfriends. I’ve got great friends both at the barn and in the city. It’s just an ever-present tick of fear.