So I come up with things to write about when I’m driving. Usually I’m overwhelmed with some kind of emotion, and I just can’t wait to write. This time, I actually came up with what I wanted to write about two days ago and am now writing a bit cold. I’ll try to get through it and remember what I wanted to write on.
So, I’ve just recently picked up on the fact that riding, and the barn, and all that comes with it is my safe place. It’s my recharge or B-12 shot. 9/10th of the time if I’m being bugged by an issue before I get to the barn, after I ride, I am usually either completely over it or can at least process in a logical manner.
While I was making the journey to Auburn on Friday, I had done just that. I had been so angry, and after a really great ride on my horse. I was just elated and completely unbothered by what had just been eating at me all day.
So, I wanted to write about why that was, and how it can be beneficial to really do some self-search to find your own pin to your balloon of hot emotions.
When I was really young, I’m talking between third and sixth grade, I was living with a single-mom. I was so socially uncomfortable. I’ve always had a hard time making female friends, but at that point I was just so shy and maybe like middle-school girls in that I just didn’t feel accepted. I don’t know if it was because of all these outside issues or genes that pulled me to riding, by then I’d had a pony for years. But, I started training myself. My dad had this really big cow-horse, and every single day after school, I’d walk across the farm to find him. Thinking back now, I could never see myself allowing a tiny student to go by themselves to do this But he and two or three other horses lived behind our house in a one-hundred/one-hundred fifty acre paddock. I’d catch him, lead him up to any stump or mound I could find, hop on bareback, and I’d go on a trot set two laps along the perimeter . I had specific points I’d canter to and from. Every ride. I’d always have friends ask me if they could come ride with me, but for me this was not something I did for “fun,” in my mind it was so serious, and I had to do this every day. This horse and I weren’t going to any competitions, but I had to do it. It was something I could control, this daily conditioning of my horse and improving my balance and coordination.
Now, ok twelve/fifteen years later my face is in my hands because I really haven’t changed at all. I’m working on it, but I was late to one of m best-friends engagement parties because I had to be at the barn. It’s just so ingrained in me to go. My mom doesn’t even question family events anymore or my tardiness, if I said I went to the barn she just says ok. I can’t even pinpoint why. I mean obviously I love going and competing. But there’s almost something more to it, like this sub-conscience need to go because it’s my safe place.
Actually it’s not safe. Nor was I very safe fifteen years ago galloping bareback and helmet-less (Maybe I did wear my helmet, I can’t remember) by myself, but I just was able to position everything in my head towards this thing. I made up its own importance.
So while I was driving, I became so concerned. I mean am I the only one with this safe place, I can go to, to recharge? And how important should this safe-place be on my list of priorities? I mean it’s fluctuated, but I’ve sure put a shit ton of hours and money in it. (Not necessarily just so I can ride at the upper-levels which I’m currently not doing.) I mean I’m just thinking of the priority I’ve placed over family events, relationships, my bank account.
I think in summary, (obviously I’m bias’ed because I’m addicted to this drug and trying to coerce you to find a drug you can likewise be addicted to.) I’m grateful that subconsciously I’ve always been able to have an outlet to get to, to recharge. I think the Lord has blessed me with the passion of riding, and honestly I do think most people even without publicly announcing it have something or someone we resort to. Like a tick, when things get tough. Here we go, lesson of the day. (I knew it would come to me)
I think it would be beneficial to do self-eval. to pinpoint what we go to and why. Is it healthy and beneficial? Should you put more time into this, because mental stability is pretty impo. (I find abbreviating when writing keeps me from taking myself too seriously.)
That was a lot of words from your friendly neighborhood horse-girl.