I’m so tired.  A little frustrated.  The two courses I’m taking this semester appear tough, and I didn’t do well on the first week’s quiz.  Sixty-five questions, eighty minutes, solving long word-problems.  I didn’t even come close to completing all the questions.

Do girls get a pass on emotional days.  It’s a catch-22. If I say something irrational if I still feel the same way twenty-four hours later, count it, but if I change my mind, don’t.

I feel like the above is the story of my life.  I’m struggling to make a clean break from a previous friendship.  This person has been my biggest and rather only confidant these past few months, and even though we ended our relationship many many moons ago before I moved, because of how close our friendship had become we remained for the most part in a similar lifestyle to before the break-up.  Why not? Our reasons did stream some from jealousy but a lot of different values and long-term goals proved it wasn’t going to last forever.  For weeks it was pretty easy to continue our close friendship and even upon moving things seemed to stay the same.  In the back of both of our minds, the friendship would just drift slowly apart without having to go through the normal break-up routine of bitterness and dislike for the other person.

It started off from a very mature place, I think. Until I got emotional and allowed my temper and insecurities to crawl out of their caves. See, since day one we talked on the phone every day at 5pm after work. We’re not 24/7 constant texters, and I would always call because he got off first, and I would call once I left my job. It was habit and normal. We’d talk for the 20-25 minutes I drove home, I’d go to the barn, then another text to see what the plans were for the evening. Even post-break-up, I mean this is your best friend and we talked every day. But then, suddenly you’re about to press send for your daily phone call, but stop because you realize he hasn’t called you first in a while, and maybe he just feels sorry for you, and you should make him call you first. But you’re not dating why try to get him to do anything, you’re friends so what does it matter. So you still don’t call, and then pretend like you didn’t even think about calling  but you’re a bad liar.

It’s little things like that, and you know they’re not going to surprise you one evening at your door, but between living alone in a new place with nothing to do and missing your friend you wish they would, but it’s kind-of irrational and you can’t wish your friend would drive two-hours to surprise you or get mad they didn’t. You’re just friends. Then part of me even wants to go to a place that says if he doesn’t do certain things I’m not going to grace him with my daily phone calls. And you make it like 14 hours, but then have a secret that you know only they can understand.

So you’re thinking why not just rekindle this flame that you ended. And honestly we could.  If I told him the reason I became so flustered and insecure was that I wanted him to fight for my attention, he’d probably do it. But in the back of my mind, I know it would look like a few more months before someone had to say, well we’re not going to get hitched so this is kind of wasting both our times. But then sometimes, I just need it, the friendship to last a few more weeks until I get a bit more settled into a routine. Then again, my mind spins because continuing this doesn’t allow me to move forward.

And you can talk to this person about these things, and they will listen intently. But with boys, first, most boys don’t have blogs they write their feelings in, but they say things like, “Whatever you want, Claire.” or “I’ll do whatever you want to do.” And it boils me. What?! You want to end this friendship and never speak again?!  “No, that’s not what I said.” And I’m like in girl words you don’t care. Then they’re like, “Claire you are literally the person who broke up with me.” And then I have to make a joke or something and realize I’m being ridiculous and I can push all this back again. Because, we’re just friends and friends don’t have those conversations, yet I still expect just a little more, at least for a few more weeks until I’m settled.

There’s a thousand responses.  And at the end of the day, I’ll move on and make new friends, and a new confidant. But this confidant is comfortable, it’s a comfortable old sweatshirt with holes in it but you love it. And you know you need to put on the new sweater, but it’s still not quite comfortable even though you know it’s new and better.

I have a history of not being good at letting go.  But this one has me stumped.