Endure hardship as discipline, God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?” Hebrews 12:7
So I wrote a bit last night on my phone right before I fell asleep. I could hardly keep my eyes open, but I was under covers typing on my Note App. I think it’s quite harsh, but there goes my realist nature.
“I am finally moved back into Auby town. I’m the second week in my job, my truck is making a weird noise, and I’ve had insufficient funds in my account for the past two weeks. If that doesn’t smell like success… One would think that’s a tough go; with my recent move, withdrawal from my first 1*, and a continuous bout with depression. I’m sure the cute boy I invited to hang out twice last week who regretfully declined thinks I’m a rockstar…”
In any case, that paragraph, it’s the magnitude of my problems. In all the world, as horrible as I can feel on some hours, that’s as bad as it is. I certainly can forsee the devil throwing more curveballs my way, but in the midst of the storms and battles, I’ve just made an incredible journey.
And so what? I failed. I failed big. Fail fail fail. Throw something else at me, because I’ve got places to go.
Over the past two weeks, I faced some hard stuff. I felt alone and hurt. But, like the protector and savior he is, I felt God give me just enough strength and perseverance to push just that bit more. Pushing me out of my comfort zone to contact old friends, chat with new friends, and encourage a new boldness.
Trust me, alone, I am a very weak person. But somehow, for some reason, I’ve had girls placed in my life that suddenly ask me for advice! Did the Lord place these hardships on me for such a time as this? So I can lead and mother hen these young girls, who just like me are now undergoing some heartbreaks, financial hardships, mean girls, just like I have. Certainly I have no place to lead anyone. I feel confident teaching horseback riding lessons, but actually serve as a role model or comfort someone whose just went through a breakup? I mean, have you read my past blogs? I’m not a grown-up, and I make a hundred mistakes every day!
But rather, in this new scary place. Developing my own community and building new friendships, my faith is strengthened. Unfortunately, to become stronger at anything there’s some work and friction mixed up in there. I recently went to see a doctor, and was prescribed medication to help me handle the lows. Embarrassed and scared, I have been so reluctant to ask for any help. I don’t want to be a burden on anyone, and Robinsons do it the hard way. We just keep going and working all the time.
That was not the case. Living by myself is no way to be. It’s perfectly ok to ask for help and need help. We all have our messes. I think social media for the younger generation and my own, enables us to put a silver lining over our messy lives. So while you may perceive your friends or role models lives to be glimmering and easy; they have troubles to. They may be different, or the may be going through rejection or loneliness just like you.
“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11
The new office job has been a new experience, but I like the work. I’m your modern day detective. I do miss the outdoors and riding as much, but I will confess. For the past few months, riding has been a chore. I burned myself out. But now, especially when down, a jump school or a late night flat after work is the perfect and most comforting relief. I haven’t felt that kind of relief in a while. Zoloft has nothing on a big jump course. I just take Gracie on a long hack, focus for a short time on working with her to use her body correctly, and suddenly I’m somewhere else forgetting life, dramatics, and anything that worried me that day. It’s not a chore; it’s just doing something I absolutely love doing.
And no one can take that love away, not even a boy. Don’t let a boy steal your dreams. They may teach you things, humble you, and reveal that you are very selfish and need reality checks, but don’t let them steal your special dreams.