So I do this strange thing where I go to the Starbucks beside Barnes & Noble to get my coffee instead of actually ordering my coffee at the Starbucks that is inside Barnes & Noble…. I also use Barnes & Noble as my personal library. I hope it is perfectly acceptable to read their books, then put them back on the shelf. I guess I really am using them. I don’t buy their coffee or books….Wait, I bought two books a few weeks ago. Another copy of Frankenstein and a biography on Grace Kelly.
So it is crazy how the Lord works on a heart.
My comfort is found this week in Psalm 37:4 which says:
Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
If you have kept up with any of my blog or can figure the mind of a (now) twenty-three year old Maid Marian. (That is who I am comparing myself with this week. Just roll with it) Literally Robin Hood was one of my favorite movies as a kid after the Lion King. I figured if I was a Disney Character my love interest would definitely have been Robin Hood.
Back to topic, much of this blog has been to not just to inspire others but to help me figure out what I am supposed to do with myself. In my very first blog I confessed that I had to ask every peer and mentor what job I was to take next, because I felt incapable of making any type of mature decision.
I have actually discovered something so genuine and true since then. I am COMPLETELY incapable of making any type of mature, responsible, right decision… on my own. Just listen a second. In this wild relationship I’m developing with the Lord, I have begged, cried, fought with him to respond to my requests. It started off slowly. At first I didn’t even know how to pray. (Yes, I’ve gone to church my whole life, but I still felt like my prayer-life suffered.)
The more I read his word, the more I’m learning. Yes, a thousand times yes, He wants us to figure out just how silly it is for me to attempt to do things on our own, when we have a Healer, Director, Father over us who knows exactly where our lives will head and he just requests that we believe it. So sometimes He may send a mentor or friend to act as a counselor. I, of course am so honored to have had people instruct me and coach me through life and how to keep my tail on the back of my big horse.
Let me confess, over the past few weeks my priorities and desires have made a complete 180 turn. (I almost said 360, oops! that would make me be in the same spot! Math Geek.) Most of these changes I believe have been directly correlated to the Lord taking a big, Grey’s Anatomy surgery on my heart. But then now what? I cry again, because with these changes in my heart what am I supposed to do? Because, remember I’m incapable…. But I’m so capable through the Holy Spirit who gives us power!
Cherish that Psalm 32:8 says
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.
My faith is like a tidal wave….. Literally guys I have no idea what a tidal wave is. But, I’m going through this phase where anything that references water makes me cry. Like real tears. I look out onto the bay.. water works. It rains. Where’s the tissues? This is an embarrassing confession I guess. But remember that blog where I wrote on how I was trying to run on top of the water? How as soon as I looked out my peripherals I would start drowning? Ever since then, there has been so many rains storms and songs on my Christian Contemporary Pandora station about water that the thought of the Lord taking his thoughts on me, overwhelms me too much that my throat gets so choked up and my eyes get full. Literally we are expected to receive 10 inches at a horse show this weekend!! This will be fun.. The only explanation I can think of is that moment you call to your puppy for the first time and he actually has learned his name and comes to you.. (You’re puppy didn’t go through a phase where he ran from you? No. Never mind.)
Oh gosh this song by the Kooks just came on about the seaside… Lord, I do not want to cry here in Barnes & Noble.
It’s off. I didn’t. Just one little lump in the throat.
** Can someone remind me to name my first daughter Marian?
*** See oceans. Plus, a new song for my heartstrings